11 Awesome Things Drill Sergeants Say


Dan Caddy, a sergeant first class with the Vermont Army National Guard, has just published Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said: Wit and Wisdom from America’s Finest, a book based on his wildly popular (832K & counting!) Facebook page of the same name. If you’re one of those folks who pretends that military life is something like Sunday School, stay away: both the book and the web page are hilariously profane. Here are eleven highlights from the book, specially selected to protect some of our more delicate readers.

1. “If you’re having trouble sleeping tonight, privates, whatever you do, don’t think about the fact that your parents are probably having sex in your old bedroom because your water-headed ass is finally gone.”


2. “Don’t call me sir, I work for a living! And my parents were not related!”


3. “I want that toilet seat so clean I can make a sandwich on it!”


4. “What did you shave with, private? A bowl of milk and an angry cat?”


5. “I do not discriminate. If my own mother was in basic training, I’d smoke her ass too!”


6. “Private, you look like a can of biscuits that’s just popped open.”


7. “You’re about as sharp as the leading edge on a bowling ball.”


8. “Your tears are like jet fuel to me: if I could bottle them, I’d take them home.”


9. “Privates, all I do is eat gunpowder and run.”


10. “Do an about-face, a left face, and get outta my face.”

11. “Private, go away, you smell like failure and corn chips.”


Of course, after passing over the entries that drop F-bombs, these 11 were pretty much all that was left. If you can handle a little lot of profanity, Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said is an awesome read.

  • dohernan

    Oh yea, the memories of just turning 18 & hauling ass off that Bus at Fort Sill Oklahoma 1979 as a bunch of pissed off & screaming Drill Instructor’s took great pleasure in releasing the fear of God upon us.

    • Barbara Nation

      OMG, I bet my husband was one of them and maybe was yours…lol

    • Larry Hindman

      Did you like the cattle cars too… Class of 1982 A-1-3 Sgt. Bimer

    • Heloman

      I too was let off the bus at Fort Sill but it was in 1976..and you would think they where a bunch of angry hornets they where just yelling and screaming at all of us. Isn’t like today back then they could still get in your face and also put there hands on you which they did.

      • dohernan

        How can I forget those awesome cattle cars!

    • pulis

      They were the same at Ft Leonard Wood in October 1976.

    • Leon Suchorski

      When I was in Marine Corps boot camp, one of the privates was told to lead a detail on an assignment. So the private said to the detail, “Come on gang.” Upon hearing this, the drill instructor turned and asked him, “Who do you think that you are? SPANKY?”

    • always3rd

      And 15 years later, the same damn thing happened as I unassed a cattle trailer that dropped us off from reception to barracks.

    • wtpworrier

      Drill Instructors?…..You sure you joined the Army?

  • Sgt Heart

    The billystick in the garbage can I do remember that.

  • Doug Beecroft

    You 3 men…half of you follow me!!!

  • bbabbitt

    I don’t remember Drill Sergeants saying anything awesome… just loud.

  • DonH

    Oh come on. The most famous of them all

    You are as f’d up as a soup sandwich.

  • Couple of my Favorites…I’m sure you’ve heard them too…When I first heard them I think I was on the verge of hysterical laughter each time..
    -I’m Jim Henson and you’re a puppet…Guess where my fist is going to be alllllll day.
    -You are as smart as a screen door on a submarine ya dummy
    -Get over here ya F’ing Football Bat… ya Soup Sandwich
    -You A-HOLES look like 2 five year olds fighting under a sheet
    -I’ve seen a better complexion on a hail damaged old Ford

  • sandra

    Sgt. Love???

  • Rob

    While doing push ups…. “YOU LOOK LIKE A MONKEY HUMPING A FOOTBALL”

  • Bodine

    You want to play “Johnny go f&$@ around,don’t you? Someone get me a chair! We are going to do this until I get tired!”

  • Cruit

    “What are you looking at? Do you like my body?”

  • Darrell

    Fort Dix New Jersey: 1980 One of my D.I. Was Sfc. Thomas Luckett…Ssg. Heard… They are FOREVER in My Mind…

  • shot bag

    I still use the term “soup samwich” & civilians don’t get it

    • AWC


  • Peter Buglass

    Best line from a sergeant major…”you must have a twin brother on this parade square, because no one person can be as %#$%ing stupid as you are”…

  • Tom Bats

    Ft Benning 1979, Jump school: Mind over matter. I don’t mind and you don’t matter. Oh, but after training we could go to the beer vending machines… Until the fights started, then we lost those too.

  • Joe

    Walk like you have a purpose in life, Son…my all time favorite.

  • stephen o. mitchell

    Son the best part of you ran down your mommy leg!

  • William M Carney

    You got two heads on your body boy! Don’t let your peter be your leader!

  • Dan Siegfried

    I did push-ups for laughing at this one. We were at the range And a big guy next to me dropped his weapon. Out of nowhere a drill jump in his face and asked” If your mom and dad got divorced would they still be brother and sister? “

  • Mike Boggs

    You lookin at me son? You like me, boy? Cause, you know that liking leads to loving and loving leads to _ _cking. You want to _ _ck me boy? Get down and give me 20……Lackland AFB 1967.


    Feb 1974 in E-6-3 at Fort Dix, NJ, under SFC Wilfred Kapule from the Big Island — our own “Pineapple”!

  • tom mccoy

    Great Lakes 64. E1 lower is lower than whale shit.;.All I want to see is asses and elbows swabbing my decks.; This is my rifle and this is my gun,this is for killing and this is for fun.;Aboard a carrier,Get me a gallon of prop wash.The buffer disco.

  • 31vCOMMO_SGT.

    Fort Sill .Ok aug1979,,,,Drlll Sgt. Thomas and Drill Sgt. Ward. I remember being asked




    me: (I laughed like a hyena ) must have done 1,000 pushups that day….hehehehe

    • guest

      WOW….that just seems sooo….sooooooo FAKE!! Like, maybe u got that from a movie!! :-)

      • 31Vcommo_sgt

        I Know it was in a movie,,,, just saying the FIRST TIME I HEARD IT was 1979 at Ft Sill , OK.
        do really think any of these are all original? BTW …I was there…were you?…

  • Que

    DI: If brains were made of cotton wool, you wouldn’t have enough to make a tampon for a flea!

  • M.T. Majors

    One for the Navy – Shipmate, it’s a good thing you are not striking Quartermaste ’cause I’m pretty surre you are not smart enough to navigate your way out of a toilet bowlW

  • Charles Jones

    Marine Gunny Sgt. Love was my Senior DI. in spring of 1957. He played the hillbilly in the movie: The D.I. We did learn our General Orders! Semper Fi

  • George Relyea

    Drill Sergeant (SSG) Skinner on finding people sprawled out on the hall floor waiting in line for final weapons inspection: “What is this? A Bohemian crash-pad?” (May 1977, Ft. Leonard Wood, MO)

  • Scott

    Ft. Polk La August 1975, SFC Knight, that’s it scratch your ass, pull your dickstrings, we got all F’ ing day. Get down all if you get down. Gimme 50. Take your sweet ass time I got all F’ ing day.

  • Col. Bill

    1960 Fort Chaffee Basic Training
    SFC Hail “You dumb f***, you make my ass want to smoke a pickle”.
    MSG Withers “You better wake the f*** up or you will die before you get out of the company area”.
    I never understood the pickle comment but the image in my mind always made me laugh.

  • BobSacamano

    TRAINEE!!! What’d you do, polish those boots with a Hersey bar?! Gimee 20, NOW!!!

  • George

    Ft Lewis 1970 Drill Sgt Stalley your ass is grass I am the lawn mower

  • Phil K

    Hear it now as clear as that hot day on the grinder in ’75 – “Send your heart home to mama boy, cuz your a$$ is mine!”

  • ceg

    are you a red diaper doper baby, smoke dope and bad mouth your country!!??

  • AWC

    Parris Island_3rd Battalion _Capt Ingram_Senior DI Instructor Ssgt Keith_DI Sgt Woods_DI Sgt Gibbs …Anyone remember those Crazy DI’s ?

  • Vinny

    Sgt. Kinney Lackland AFB basic-1967. “Boy,you’ve gotta a face that looks like an open can of dehydrated f**k!”

  • Arbnbizzle

    You as F’d up as a football bat private!

  • jose r. gonzalez

    Jose R:. Sargeant Johnso (Sgt Rock) 1967 Fort Jackso SC we have a really hard time as pueto rican withr English.,

  • Shawn McFadden

    I can honestly say Fort Leonardwood in 1987 was HELL!!!!

  • rover411

    If your parents are still alive take one step forward.. Not so fast Smith!

  • Troy

    How about this one: Get your goat smellin ass over here!

  • Paul

    Drill Sgt Gilbert Ft. Dix NJ C-1-3 Spring 1976:
    “Men . . .I’m going on a date tonight. If your real good today.
    Well tomorrow I just might let you sniff my finger!”

  • Jaquins, James A.

    HTC Cormany Great Lakes 1982-83. “I’m magic gentlemen. I can make it rain in doors, let me prove it…push those bunks outboard now!

  • Guest

    Everything and anything a DI says is awesome.

  • Mean gean

    1962 San Diego while doing rifle drills:
    You handle that f.,,,,, rifle like its a
    Wet noodle and you are afraid of bending

  • Bill

    When i sound attention, i wanna hear seventy sets of pussies slam shut. Female drill instructor at Parris Island

  • wtpworrier

    All our names got changed in Basic Training, we quit being who we were, and our names became “Joe”.

  • C. Jones

    Lackland AFB, 1948! We were marching down the street and the drill Sgt. told us to get a hold on our ears and pull. Now, he says if you’ve got your head out of your A** let’s see if you can do some marching!

  • northrnsoljur

    You are from WHERE??? North Dakota?? Where the h*** is THAT?? Drop an gimme 20 just cause I don’t like the SOUND of North Dakota!!!